Monday, April 14, 2014

Dear Self, Twenty Years Ago

Last weekend I celebrated my birthday. When all the eating and drinking and cake and story telling were over I found myself looking at a photo an old friend had sentme as a birthday card. On the left side, the  two of us, no more than six or seven years old, politely smiling to the camera. On the right side, another of us laughing at a party a few weeks ago. Her note read: you're still taller. I found myself looking through more albums and thinking back to how it felt to be at each age, oblivious of what's yet to come, or what will fade with time. One photo struck me especially. In it I gaze admiringly at my mom and her friend, who at the time the photo was taken were not too far from my age today. How grown up and settled people look from a 7-year-old-kid's-eye-view. I wonder what 7-year-old me would have thought of this me, here today. I wonder if the grown ups of my childhood felt as I do now: always on the cusp of something... but what?

Dear Self, Twenty Years Ago

Drink Water and floss. Habits form harder with every year that passes. Keep your journals in one place. Some years from now you'll find yourself craving a look at things you only partially remember and it would be nice to find them then. Your kid sister will grow to remember every time you stuck up for her and it will make you proud. Keep doing that, and do it even better if you can. Call grandma every week and let her tell you all the stories of her heart. She will be the first to go. In a few years you will have to leave the world as you know it and start all over somewhere new. Write down the names and numbers and mailing addresses of the friends you love the most. It is difficult to find people from half way across the world.

Sometimes it's hard to stir the pot but you still have to do it. Say what's on your mind even if you think it will get you in trouble. Let those around you grow by dealing with your feelings and ideas. Trying to protect people is sometimes selfish. Being unsure is not the same as being wrong. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. And there's more to every story.  

You're one of the lucky ones who will always have a loving home to fall back on. Learn to give back and feel less guilty about what you receive. Those fortresses you build out of the books you stay up reading will grow bigger and stronger. At times you will use them to escape but every time you will emerge stronger. You know that big guitar you carry everywhere, that's as tall as you are? Don't put it down. Music will be your solace.

Love will not be easy. You will find yourself heart-broken and defeated one day and you'll wonder how something you worked so hard for could slip through your fingers. Then you will slowly see that not every challenge is one you deserve to win, and in loss you will learn a different kind of love: one for the time and effort spent, memories had, and lessons learned. Once you shed your anger you will find beauty even in what is lost. Those who nurse your broken heart and help you build yourself again will Teach you the art of true friendship. You'll bake them lots of cookies and cook them many dinners. They'll remind you that there is no shame in failing, and as you fall asleep on their couches you'll know they meant it.

Good butter, good coffee, and sharp knives. Don't buy what you can make, and for god's sake write down your recipes. And remember, sometimes you have to do the thing first and worry about explaining it later.

The recipe I'm attaching to this post is for cream puffs. They were my favorite treat as a kid, and I still love them today. The recipe is simple but precise. So read it through once before you begin. Bon chance!

Pâte à Choux


1/2 C water
1/4 C unsalted butter
pinch of salt
2 tsp sugar
1/2 C all purpose flour
2 eggs
For Filling
1 1/2 C whipping cream
2 tbsp icing sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract 

Heat water, salt, sugar, and butter in a small pan until butter melts. bring just to a boil and remove from heat, so as not to boil off the liquid. 

Stir in the flour and mix well until no lumps appear. Then return to heat for no more than two minutes, cooking the dough while turning it with the wooden spoon. Move quickly to avoid too much exposure to heat on any one one side of the dough. The result should look like a ball of smooth mashed potato.

Transfer to a mixing bowl and let sit for 5 minutes and cool down. Then crack eggs in one at a time, mixing well with spoon or spatula, until you have a looser, yellowy, and smooth batter that just falls off the spoon. 

Preheat oven to 425

Fill a piping bag with this mixture and pipe circles on a parchment lined baking sheet. Each circle should be between two and three inches in diameter and about an inch in height. Smooth any pointy tips with a wet finger and bake for 20-30 minutes or until substantially risen and golden. When done, these babies are super light and if you tap them they sound very hollow. 

While they bake, you can whip the cream with the sugar until it is firm and fluffy (but don't overdo it and make sweet vanilla butter) and fill a second piping bag. I use a long skinny piping tip for this and you will see why in the next step. Chill the cream in the piping bag until the shells have cooled completely. In fact you can assemble the cream puffs up to a day later if that's what you'd like.

Assembly will present you with two options: 1. Using a sharp serrated knife, slice each puff  open and pipe a turban of cream in the middle. Then place other half on top and serve as little cream puff sandwiches. 2. Flip each puff and poke the bottom with your long metal piping tip and squeeze some filling inside until the cream puff feels heavier. I use the second method because I find it less messy and easier to eat. Should you want to make a little chocolate ganache, you could always dip the tops for a little extra excitement but powdered sugar will also dress these airy treats adorably. Serve with a pint of berries and you're done. 


  1. Lovely post. Yes, sometimes we must do the thing first and worry about explaining it later. I'm looking forward to making my first cream puffs. Thank you.

  2. You write beautiful prose.
    There is no shame in failing, indeed, and mostly you regret the things you did not try, the ones whom you didn't give a chance. . . And, oh, beautiful cream puffs.

  3. You wise old soul!
    That's a good list - so many thing in there that had me nodding. Good butter and sharp knives, yes. And this too:
    "In a few years you will have to leave the world as you know it and start all over somewhere new. Write down the names and numbers and mailing addresses of the friends you love the most. It is difficult to find people from half way across the world."

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